Journal of a Lockdown No. 41

The longest haircut I've had.

I turn 33 today. I never expected to spend my birthday in a lockdown, but here I am: still the same old me but not quite. Just a year older, and, I like to think, hopefully wiser. Clearly a work in progress, with so many rough edges, but living, as it were, by grace upon grace. Every breath, in this period of death, suffering and uncertainty, bears testament to God's undeserved lovingkindness. And I rejoice.

I had a bit of trouble sleeping last night as I thought of Jesus' earthly ministry. He was 33 years old when He was crucified, later to rise again and reign forevermore. He was around my age when He was mocked by the religious leaders, when His hands were pierced with nails, when His head was crowned with thorns. He did not have to. Yet He chose to.

But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:5

My Lord and Redeemer has been foremost in my thoughts. Why did He have "to save a wretch like me," as John Newton penned in Amazing Grace? Why did He even bother to look at me, and think of me, and, without hesitation, died for my sins so I could be adopted into His Father's household? I burst with gladness and joy, with a peace that transcends all understanding, at these recollections.

There are days when I wonder what I else I could have done in this life—unfulfilled dreams, ambitions that become unreachable with each year, unchecked items in my overall action plan. All things work for our good, for my good (Romans 8:28)—including the things that God gives, removes, and withholds. Thomas Watson's words are a loving rebuke to me.

We may hold to the world as posy in our hand, but it must not lie too near our heart. We may use it as an inn where we take a meal, but it must not be our home.

So I am weaned from wordliness and discontent. My eyes look upward. Because the I am the Lord's and He is mine, what else—truly, what else—can I ask for?

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:25–26)

Thank you for your greetings and prayers. They have meant a lot to me.