Decisions

THESE PAST WEEKS I've been wrestling with a decision can impact my internship year significantly. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say that it involves me being given an extraordinary opportunity I do not deserve, something I owe to God's overflowing goodness. Taking that opportunity means I may have to give up on the other good things I've come to cherish these past four years.

As with all things that matter in life, the process leading to a decision hasn't been a leisurely walk in the park. I've been at the crossroads before: uncertain of which direction to choose, calculating the risks and benefits in my mind, unsure of whether the results of my limited analyses would amount to anything. The past weeks have felt a lot like 2005 again, when I was deciding whether I should leave English Studies, my comfort zone, for Molecular Biology. I didn't really know how the future was going to be; I just had to choose between a "yes" and a "no."

My situation has forced to me to go back to the basics, to realize what's truly important. What God's will for me is has been the burning question.

I remembered Proverbs 24:6, "For by wise guidance you can wage your war, and in abundance of counselors there is victory." Proverbs 15:22 was also instructive, "Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed."

I talked to my parents and family. They've been nothing but supportive, encouraging me in prayer, reminding me of the sovereignty of God in all spheres of life. I talked to Kuya Lito, my church's youth pastor, who always had some added insight and who always exhorted me to obey God's will. I asked friends to pray for me.

I also talked to friends who were in the same situation as I was. Like me, they were overwhelmed with the uncertainties of the future. After all, we expect so many things to change next year—the fact that we will be ditching our old, battered uniforms for new white coats, the entry of a new batch of post-graduate interns in PGH, among others. I was, in a sense, burdened with anxiety, and it didn't help that some of my friends were waiting for me to decide first before they did. I was rebuked by Philippians 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I pleaded the Lord for wisdom. I'd say, "I'm still praying about it," when people asked me if I'd take the chance or not. Every morning I'd lift that concern up during my personal devotions. I prayed like the Psalmist (Psalm 139:34): "Search me, O God, and know my heart! / Try me and know my thoughts! / And see if there be any grievous way in me / and lead me in the way everlasting!"

In all these I was reminded of the sovereignty of God—that He Whom I live for is in control of all that happens in my personal life and in the world I live in; that all the things that happen to me happen for my good and His glory (Romans 8:28).

Two days ago, at 2 am, I found myself reading my Bible at the Labor/Delivery Room. I was led—guess what?—to the Psalms again. I read the first three chapters of Psalm 119, and Psalm 119:17-20 particularly struck me.

"Deal bountifully with Your servant,
That I may live and keep Your word.
Open my eyes, that I may see
Wondrous things from Your law.
I am a stranger in the earth;
Do not hide Your commandments from me.
My soul breaks with longing
For Your judgments at all times."

I've made my decision. I've told my family and some friends about it. And as one good friend put it, "It feels really nice to have finally closed that issue." I praise God for taking me through this process. I may not know what the future brings, but I know Who holds that future. And I'm at peace.